If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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