I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
