hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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