Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
