I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
