did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
