Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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