in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
