why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He is an equal opportunity slut.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
