i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
