i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
