To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
