If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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