Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
