you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
