Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
