I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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