chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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