Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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