He uses pillows to masturbate.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
