Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think I am morally bankrupt
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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