Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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