was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
