3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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