I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My vagina is officially offended.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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