You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
