you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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