I molested 6 butterflies tonight
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
