well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
