im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
