I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
