mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
