I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
