I met the friendliest cop last night
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
