I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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