I smell stomach acid.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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