oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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