he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
