You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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