1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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