yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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