I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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