OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
