I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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