This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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