Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
