gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
