textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
