I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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