she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't deserve a penis
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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