Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
